Happiness and Being Loved

I have had the good fortune of doing spiritual direction with Rev. Robert Brumet for a number of years now. 

Many view Rev. Robert as the Yoda of the Unity movement. He is probably most well known for his classic book Finding Yourself in Transition: Using Life's Changes for Spiritual Awakening. But he also has written many other gems.

At Unity Institute & Seminary he was my professor for prayer and meditation and pastoral counseling. I turned to him for advice at several key points during my days as a student. I remember when I was about to graduate, I came to him in despair because I thought that no congregation would hire me.

Rev. Robert turned to me and said, "Rick, do you really believe that God has brought you this far just to drop you?" His words were like being doused with a bucket of water from a cold mountain stream. They brought me back to my senses.

Several times over the years Rev. Robert has reminded me that our minds evolved to keep us alive. Our minds did not evolve to keep us happy.

With the above in mind I have been very interested in the new research conducted by psychologists and others in the field of happiness. When I was chief economist for United Way I was thrilled to be able to work with Professor Sir Angus Deaton of Princeton University. Dr. Deaton won the the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences for his research in happiness and the economic conditions and policies of various countries around the world.

Recently I have become very interested in the research of Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, who is a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. She is recognized as one of the leaders in the field of happiness studies, and I think her research has many practical spiritual lessons for us. 

While Dr. Sonja has written many scholarly papers, the most popular book she has written is entitled The How of Happiness. A new book by her, and co-author Harry Reis, has the intriguing title of How to Feel Loved.

Dr. Sonja's interest in happiness research in so many ways flows from her life story. She was born in Russia, and her parents immigrated to the United States because they felt there would be more opportunities for them in America.

Unfortunately the move to the United States proved to be very difficult for Dr. Sonja's mother, who became very bitter and unhappy in "the land of the free and the home of the brave." Her marriage dissolved, and while she had been a teacher in Russia, she mostly worked as a maid in the United States.

After earning her undergraduate degree at Harvard University, Dr. Sonja went on to earn her Ph.D. at Stanford. Dr. Sonja believes that happiness is determined by a multiplicity of factors. Her research indicates that roughly 50% of happiness is determined by genetics. About 10% is caused by "life events" (such as career, income and social status, etc.)  However, she has concluded that 40% of happiness is created by "intentional activities" (such as what you repeatedly do and think, kindness, gratitude, loving spiritual disciplines, etc.) 

Thus, while a good part of happiness may be based on the cards we have been dealt, Dr. Sonja's research in many ways supports key beliefs and practices of the New Thought movement. There is scientific support for many of the views long advocated by the pioneers of New Thought. A major portion of our happiness can be determined by us.

I find Dr. Sonja's latest conclusions to be really interesting. Based on her research, if she was asked “what is the most powerful influence behind happiness?,” Dr. Sonja's conclusion is unequivocal. She believes that the most powerful influence in “knowing” happiness is a deep abiding experience of feeling loved!

I know in the Saint Francis prayer we say that it is more important to love than to be loved. But Dr. Sonja's findings indicate that would be putting the cart before the horse. When we have that profound feeling of being loved, then we are more able to "pass it on and spread it around."

So let me stick my 2 cents in on the subject. It is great if a person can experience this deep love from a parent, caregiver, or teacher in childhood. It is also great if one can experience this love through a romantic relationship, children, family, colleagues, etc. But this is not always possible.

Even if it is possible, parents, family members, etc. do not live forever. Our Buddhist friends really do have a point when they stress the impermanence of things in the material world. That is why I believe it is so important also to experience this deep love on a spiritual level with a God, Spirit, Higher Power, Higher Self, etc. That is why in Unity we so strees the importance of a loving Divine Spark that is inside of all of us.

Dr. Sonja believes that if we want to experience this deep love, then we need to become very good listeners—and not just talkers. I believe this is true if we want that deep love with either a human being or Spirit. Unfortunately many of us are much better talkers than listeners.

What I find refreshing in Dr. Sonja’s studies is that it points to how much of our happiness is up to us. Even if we feel locked in a cell, the key to the door is in our pocket.

Many blessings,

Rev. Rick